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My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not