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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.