[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.