you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
That’s enough internet for the day
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.