you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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twitter users today:
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
No, you’re not getting it your honor
One of the best