You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Hot Hot Hot
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?