You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
i’m still crying at this
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
a badder mouse
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
me and my fake scenarios
