You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
*weighs self after shaving
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.