You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.
Me: Here, does this help?
*turns and walks away*
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?