Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

Deer are just ballerina dogs

I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.

The vet looked me over.

He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.

why he move like a hotel transylvania character

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

watching gymnastics

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?