You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
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me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*