“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
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“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.