Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

me: *clicks Add to dictionary*

microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim

WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job

He has no idea 🤡

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no