You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
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Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
i can’t wait that long
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “