You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
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I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?