You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
You guys know your secrets are safe with me. It’s the people I share them with you can’t trust.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.