You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
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Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.