YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*