YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Boom, boom, ching!
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
What if the weather talks about us?
Covert ops
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Every single bad day happened because I woke up
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts