YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Who does Amazon think I am?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.