Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

*wife looks through my phone

*divorces me 8 times

Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.