Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

23. the denim jacket

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

he chose this

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

ㅤ

So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not