Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Aaaa…CHOO!

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.