You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
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ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.