“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
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My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?