Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood

I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.

– 11, missing the point of Lent

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning