You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
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I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I think this cat is broken
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.