You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
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dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”