You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
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One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Word!
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Her: What are you doing this weekend?
Me [getting ready to jump off the roof with an umbrella]: Science stuff
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.