You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.