You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
🎵 I can’t wait to
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.