Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

This rocks

Is your wife single?

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.

YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.