You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
This chloroform smells expensiv…
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.