You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.