You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago