You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
You Might Also Like
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Mistakes were made
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
