You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood