*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.