You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Never deleting this app.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.