You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
PARKOUR
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting