“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!