Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.