You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
peak technology
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.