You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Eat…
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.