you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My family likes to play this game called “let’s leave dry fucking toothpaste in the sink until it hardens and we need dynamite just to remove it”
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
