you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I can also cook 😂
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
