you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
