you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

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Me: our neighbor’s a dick
Him: why?
Me: for some reason he thinks we’re australian and shouted ‘G’day mate’ in a bad accent. Ooh sick burn bro
Him: you know he’s Australian, right?


*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????


[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine


(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it


Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.


this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes


*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.


Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess