If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Siri, fight Alexa.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30