Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dark side of the loom

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again

women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok

That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute