Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

“You looked stressed”

Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”

Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

weddings should have a worst man

What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple

anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then