Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves