Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.

Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am

Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are

Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*