You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
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-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Rt to bother an English speaker
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace