You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
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Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.