“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
You Might Also Like
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Our son, who lives in Brisbane, fully 10,000 miles out of earshot, has just sent our daughter, who lives under our roof, some bagpipes.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
It’s an epidemic…
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
それは草
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….