Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

This one’s “Alex”.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

I have questions??

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Sounds like a bargain

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!