Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

🐕🍷

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?

MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe