You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*