Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today

Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.

Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

the world’s most popular steaming services

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”

How did we not see this back then?

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?