Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at the confessional

Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’

Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

I’d use my best pan on you.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.

Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?

Friend: 6th grade

Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.

Friend: Computers?

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.

Me: Look to my left.

Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?

Me: I don’t like to share.

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”