You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I love this❤️😁👍
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.