You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
My kitchen overserved me.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
