You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
so, is there a mister shapen head
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.