You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.