“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
You Might Also Like
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.