You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.