You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
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Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
This is not me but this is me
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free