You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
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CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.