Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

Them: This is a knife for cutting cake

Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake

Them:

Me: Oh

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?