Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously

Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses

My dog: she’s my support person

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

The glockness monster

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

True freaking story!

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

[arriving at the international space station]

other astronaut: so how are things down there

me: a bit chafed tbh

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city

delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives

me: ..you’re so pretty

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*