Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision

My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.

me and the Superbowl rn

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?

My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.